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A bloke at a service station once uttered something truly horrible to me. Yet he promptly added with one of the most sincere regrets I’ve once experienced. It happened at a roadside stop some time back. I was refueling by the fuel dispenser. Noticing me, he knocked on the car window, and as I rolled it down he poked his head through and uttered a crude remark. It may have passed for banter, I guess, but it was still vile. My little ones were in the rear seats, staring in bafflement. Hurt rather than irate, I got out, filled up and entered the shop, and discovered him standing near the car upon my return. He put his hand on my upper back and announced, “My apologies mate. I had no idea you had your kids in the car. I'm truly sorry about that.” It was something about the last four words which added weight, perhaps adding just the right level of sincerity.

New Findings on Apologies

It wasn’t a welcome reminder to have the event stirred this week when I read about a research paper, released on behalf of the British Psychological Society, on how the size of the words you use when you express remorse are important in conveying your sincerity. Expressing regret always interest me because, from my perspective, without repentance on one side and pardon on the other, we’re all doomed.

At middle school I had a instructor who talked about the idea of decay. He mentioned if leaves didn’t decompose, we’d be up to our armpits in them. I feel the same about saying sorry – if they’re not given and accepted, we’ll all be swamped in bad stuff. Therefore, I’m one of those people whose resentment and disappointment about something somebody has said or done will usually vanish the moment regret is expressed. I don’t know whether this labels me as a forgiving individual, or rather simplistic. On the other hand, if I’m the one expressing regret, and the expression of remorse isn’t accepted, I get very frustrated and disappointed without a doubt, which isn’t really cricket either.

Bigger Vocabulary and Sincerity

The paper, which focused on composed rather than oral regrets, concludes that people who use more elaborate terms in their apologies are more likely to express truthfulness. Therefore, saying you’re “genuinely” sorry is better than “very” sorry. It seems the “more energy required” involved in saying those two extra syllables may produce a small impact. According to this standard, the French speakers are miles in front of us. They genuinely try hard with their apologies. When the French term for a basic “I regret” is something as dramatic and rather beautiful as “I am desolate”, it leads to questions where they go from there. How do you express if you feel beyond merely regretful about the thing you’re expressing regret over? A friend of mine in the French capital says he’d go for “Je vous prie d’accepter mes excuses les plus sincères”, that is, “I beg you to take my deepest "sorry"s”. Now that’s what I call a production effort. Very well, anyway, relax, je vous pardonne, it’s fine.

Less is More

Be it in person or through text, in my opinion short and sweet. A simple “sorry” will do. “My apologies”, if you must. And alright, if you’ve seriously wronged me you can throw in a genuinely, a genuinely, or even an profoundly. If you go further and I’ll start to suspect you have wronged me more badly than I thought.

Let me add that, as with most research studies, a lot of the wording in which the study is written is rather beyond me. For example, something called iconicity is mentioned repeatedly. My dictionary contains a large number of words defined in my lexicon, and that particular term isn’t one. But I pressed on anyway and believe I’ve got the gist the research through correctly. In case I erred, maybe the lead researcher, researcher in psychology at an academic institution, a renowned school, could contact me so I can apologise to her at however elaborate she prefers.